Odds & Ends

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

North Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries--today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.

Q. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
A. It won't work and you can't fire it.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a telemarketer calls, you can hold the receiver close to it and run your fingernails across it until she hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group; the salty-snack group; the caffeine group; and, the "whatever" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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