Answering Machines
These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me
enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a
female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll
think about returning your call.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you
back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will
be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Back to the funnies!