Dilbert's 35 Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9.On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

22. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

23. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

24. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

25. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the email.

26. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

27. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

28. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

29. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

30. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

31. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

32. Following the rules will not get the job done.

33. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

34. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

35. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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