18 Things To Say To Telemarketers

What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

1. The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

2. You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.

3. I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

4. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

5. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

6. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

7. I'm just house sitting here, buddy. The owners won't be back for a couple months. You wouldn't have a good deal on off-brand whiskeys and beer by the case, would you?

8. Too late pal. As of tomorrow, Uncle Sam will take care of all my necessities. But you might try my drill instructor at Camp Pendleton. In other words, tell it to the Marines.

9. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

10. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

11. Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef. Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

12. The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

13. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on something.

14. The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?

15. You better talk to my wife when she gets back from Reno. This place will be all hers then.

16. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to.

17. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

18. You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office, if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.

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